Read the Room, Jeep!
Posted: Mon Feb 08, 2021 2:18 pm
https://monsterhunternation.com/2021/02 ... room-jeep/
JEEP CORPORATE OFFICE –
The CEO of Jeep stands at the head of a conference table filled with the CorpoUniParty’s best and brightest. “Alright, our new campaign is going to be about Reuniting America, so we’re going to aim it at those horrible, knuckle dragging red state deplorables.”
“But sir, aren’t they all domestic terrorist insurrectionists who need to be driven from society because they believe in evil conspiracy theories like unfair elections?”
Everyone at the table laughed, because red staters are so stupid. Everyone knows the election was merely fortified.
“Oh no. That was so last week. They’re only garbage people who must be resisted by any means necessary when they’re in charge. Now that we’re in charge it’s time to come together and all that other bullshit. Reuinited America it is. So we need to figure out how to appeal to…” the Corporate Overlord made quote marks with his fingers. “the working man.”
“Gross,” said one of the many Corporate Underlings.
“I know right? But we’ve maxed out our sales to butch lesbians and suburbanites who think they need four-wheel-drive because they occasionally go over speed bumps. Have any of you ever been to the country?”
The underlings share a nervous glance. Finally one of them tentatively raises a hand. “I went to Danbury Connecticut once for summer camp.”
Everyone from Manhattan knows that Danbury Connecticut is filled with scary murder rednecks like the movie Deliverance, so that would do.
“We need to appeal to the middle of America. What’s in the middle of America?”
“Corn?”
“Racists?”
The CEO thought it over. “Let’s mix it up and go with corn. What’s that corn state? You know the one that our jets fly over between LA and New York?”
“Kansas?”
“Whatever. Set it in one of those bullshit states we don’t care about. I know! We’ll even title it The Middle. What do people out there in The Middle do?”
“Their sisters!” shouted one of the MBAs. They all laughed and high fived.
“They voluntarily snow plow their liberal neighbor’s driveways… Just like ISIS.”
“All good points, but they sure do like to cling to guns and religion.”
“We can’t use guns. Guns are only okay when they’re in Hollywood action movies or being used to guard Congress. So we’ll go with the religion angle. I want to see lots and lots of crosses. Shots of crosses on the wall. Churches. Church steeples. Make the telephone poles cross shaped. Do they make cross shaped corn? And find some dilapidated church built back in the 40s, because everybody knows religious people are too stupid and poor to build anything new.”
“You know, sir, during our celebrity voice over talking about the dichotomy between the two sides of the country, to contrast the red staters playing in the dirt, we should put a bunch of big gleaming pretty glass buildings in the background, so that we can subtly remind them that we’re above them.”
“Good call. And for the fly over people get all the cow skulls, broken wind-mills, and silos you can find. We can’t ever let them forget their place. Alright, on that voice over, what celebrity is hot right now with those racist dipshits?”
...
JEEP CORPORATE OFFICE –
The CEO of Jeep stands at the head of a conference table filled with the CorpoUniParty’s best and brightest. “Alright, our new campaign is going to be about Reuniting America, so we’re going to aim it at those horrible, knuckle dragging red state deplorables.”
“But sir, aren’t they all domestic terrorist insurrectionists who need to be driven from society because they believe in evil conspiracy theories like unfair elections?”
Everyone at the table laughed, because red staters are so stupid. Everyone knows the election was merely fortified.
“Oh no. That was so last week. They’re only garbage people who must be resisted by any means necessary when they’re in charge. Now that we’re in charge it’s time to come together and all that other bullshit. Reuinited America it is. So we need to figure out how to appeal to…” the Corporate Overlord made quote marks with his fingers. “the working man.”
“Gross,” said one of the many Corporate Underlings.
“I know right? But we’ve maxed out our sales to butch lesbians and suburbanites who think they need four-wheel-drive because they occasionally go over speed bumps. Have any of you ever been to the country?”
The underlings share a nervous glance. Finally one of them tentatively raises a hand. “I went to Danbury Connecticut once for summer camp.”
Everyone from Manhattan knows that Danbury Connecticut is filled with scary murder rednecks like the movie Deliverance, so that would do.
“We need to appeal to the middle of America. What’s in the middle of America?”
“Corn?”
“Racists?”
The CEO thought it over. “Let’s mix it up and go with corn. What’s that corn state? You know the one that our jets fly over between LA and New York?”
“Kansas?”
“Whatever. Set it in one of those bullshit states we don’t care about. I know! We’ll even title it The Middle. What do people out there in The Middle do?”
“Their sisters!” shouted one of the MBAs. They all laughed and high fived.
“They voluntarily snow plow their liberal neighbor’s driveways… Just like ISIS.”
“All good points, but they sure do like to cling to guns and religion.”
“We can’t use guns. Guns are only okay when they’re in Hollywood action movies or being used to guard Congress. So we’ll go with the religion angle. I want to see lots and lots of crosses. Shots of crosses on the wall. Churches. Church steeples. Make the telephone poles cross shaped. Do they make cross shaped corn? And find some dilapidated church built back in the 40s, because everybody knows religious people are too stupid and poor to build anything new.”
“You know, sir, during our celebrity voice over talking about the dichotomy between the two sides of the country, to contrast the red staters playing in the dirt, we should put a bunch of big gleaming pretty glass buildings in the background, so that we can subtly remind them that we’re above them.”
“Good call. And for the fly over people get all the cow skulls, broken wind-mills, and silos you can find. We can’t ever let them forget their place. Alright, on that voice over, what celebrity is hot right now with those racist dipshits?”
...
And Springsteen is a has-been. What a joke. You watch, he'll come out with a new song that makes no sense. Just a bunch of mumblings.